The Journey of Forgiveness Part 3

It seems that many times we withhold forgiveness of others because of our misconception of what forgiveness really is.  In Part 2 of this series, we looked at what forgiveness is not.  In this post we will look at what forgiveness is.

What Forgiveness Is:

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.  Beth Moore, one of my favorite women’s speakers, says, “Forgiveness involves my handing over to God the responsibility for justice.”  This is hard; especially when someone has hurt us to the absolute core.  Handing over justice is against our humanistic nature as we were built with a primal ‘fight or flight‘  response.  This response automatically kicks into gear any time we sense attack, harm or threat to our survival.   When our ‘flight or flight’ response kicks in, it can leave us feeling like it is impossible to ‘let go’ of the one who has caused us such pain.  In these times, we have to dig deep and ask God to help us; to give us strength beyond our human nature. If we wait until we feel like forgiving someone for the wrongs they have done, it will never come.  Our humanistic nature innately wants them to hurt like they hurt us.  However, forgiveness is not about feelings but about choices.   Its a conscious step of our courage and will.

Forgiveness is acknowledging the hurt and pain.  If we don’t acknowledge the pain all the way to the emotional core of our being, the healing and freedom we gain from forgiveness will not be complete.  Its in this place of denial and or repression where bitterness and resentment can cause us further damage.  An injury has occurred and denying it only gives the pain more power to wreak havoc in our beings as well as creates a barrier to all that forgiveness offers.  Forgiveness is not saying, “It didn’t really matter”;  or “I probably deserved part of it anyway.”  Forgiveness says, “It was wrong.  Very wrong.  It mattered and it hurt me deeply.  Yet, I release you.”

Forgiveness let’s go of the blame.   This is probably the hardest step in forgiveness.  We want to know why this has happened to us.  Blame seeks the culprit.  If we can just do that, then maybe we can keep it from ever happening again.  The reality is, we will never find a good enough reason for some of the wrongs done to us because there is not any one reason.  As mentioned in Part 1 of this blog series, we are all broken people and broken people often times hurt other broken people.  Nobody is without spot or blemish from hurting another person.   At one time or another, we have all played our part in hurting others.

Forgiveness is a work in progress.  As mentioned in Part 2, depending on how deep the injury went into the soul or how long we have been carrying the weight of the pain, the work of forgiveness is a process of sifting through layers.  Many times, its not a one off decision (although it could be in some situations) but a decision that needs to be made over and over again.   Just when we think we are over it, a trigger happens and we find ourselves back in the thick of it and we have to make a conscious effort to ‘let go’ all over again.  If we fall backward and regress in our walk toward forgiveness, we need not to get discouraged and understand that we are still making progress.  Just get back up, dust yourself off and take another step forward.

The benefits of forgiveness are far too precious to pass up as life is too short to be bogged down by choosing to carry and hold onto pain and resentment.  According to Katherine Piderman, Ph.D.  of the Mayo Clinic, walking in forgiveness offers the following health benefits:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

In short, forgiveness is a choice – no one can make you do it.  Forgiveness is acknowledging the hurt and pain – not dismissing it or pretending it didn’t matter.  Forgiveness is letting go of the blame – we have all fallen in an area of weakness and no one is without penalty.  And finally forgiveness is a process – its the direction we are taking and even if we regress, we can get back up on our feet and keep moving forward.

If you have someone that you need to forgive (even if that someone is God or yourself!) and you’ve been carrying the load of pain and resentment, get back on your feet and take a step toward to a healthier life and healthier relationships.

Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].  Colossians 3:13